ARIZONA SECURITY GUARD LOSES JOB TO DOG

Minute Men, Birthers Demand to See Dog's Papers

PHONEIX -- Local security guard Carl Walden (61) was let go by his employer of 10 years after they were approached by the owner of a German Shepherd. Mandy (4) is a well-trained and well-groomed dog with a suspicious disposition bred and raised in the valley. Yet some allege that she is, in fact, a German German Shepherd.

Adam Pressley (44) is a member of the Phoenix chapter of the Minute Men, an organization dedicated to fighting illegal immigration, and he has decided to make Mandy a headline issue and has taken her employer to court.

"We have no evidence that she is actually an American citizen with the right to be employed in this country. It's right there in her name; she's a GERMAN Shepherd. It's our duty, our social responsibility to make sure this dog isn't part of the flood of illegal immigrants taking advantage of our free society. We demand that her employer or alleged breeder produce a certified pedigree or work visa."

Birthers across the state agree. Posts on conservative websites contain comments such as "If its [sic] good enough to demand of Obama, then we got to demand it of a dog!!1 [sic]"

Mandy has become a celebrity in some circles, and the focus of a much wider cause of discontent as more and more citizens lose their jobs to animals.

Steve McNiven (43) is a comic book artist whose job was recently outsourced to India. McNiven commented "It's really frustrating. Making your way in this business is difficult enough without them pulling the rug out from under you and showing you the door just because they found an elephant who knows how to hold a paint brush."

Isaac Perlmutter, CEO of Marvel, responded to complaints that many of their artists have been let go in favor of cheaper work overseas. "I love Steve and all of them. They're great guys and they do great work. What Steve did for the Civil War was outstanding and I know he'll have no trouble finding new clients based on that alone. But it just doesn't make sense to pay these guys huge salaries when we can pay peanuts overseas."

Nevertheless, a movement is growing in this country amid fears that, during already troubled economic times, ever more jobs will be shipped overseas. Ryan Peterson (34), head of American Jobs for American Animals said in a press briefing "There are thousands, tens of thousands, of American animals out of work. We have out of work dogs roaming the streets of Detroit, and who knows how many animals locked up in zoos. I can say this for sure, if they'd had jobs, they wouldn't have had to turn to crime to feed their litters. We at AJAA are pressuring our Congressmen to pass laws protecting jobs for hard working American animals."

At the time of writing, no Congressmen had been reached for comment.