Sunday, July 31, 2005

I Like Dumb Movies

I like a movie that has the courage to say, "I don't have to win an award!" I like a movie where the main character runs around beating up/killing anonymous bad guys in well choreographed fights. I like the lack of a detailed plot. I like it when there's no character development.

Complexity is for people with interesting haircuts and an espresso addiction. Plot is for people who read long books about the weather in upstate Oregon. Character development is for girls and those anomalous guys who admit that they cry.

I like guy movies. I like it when things blow up. I like it when the girl explains away plot holes by taking her clothes off. I like it when directors distract us from bad lines with girls in skimpy outfits. I like fast cars, fast women, and fast ... action scenes.

I like it when the lead pauses in the middle of a situation in which there's no way anyone could pause and then says something pseudo-witty. I like it when the bad guys are obviously bad because they do something stereotypically bad (like shoot someone who doesn't need shooting). I like good guys who are obviously good because they do something stereotypically good (like not shooting someone who obviously needs shooting, but then having to shoot him because the [bleeper] doesn't know that he's fighting the good guy and should give up and not keep trying to kill him).

I like movies that embrace the B label. I like it when they know they have silly plots and run with it. I like it when they go beyond corny. I love it when they take a long, hard look in the mirror and have SEX with their clich├ędness.

I hate the masturbation of clever. I hate a movie that does something witty, then pauses and says, "Did you see that? I'm smart. Suck my [bleep!], you critic whores! I know you love this [bleep!]!" I hate movies that critics rave about. I hate critics, because they're the [bleep!]s who couldn't get a job writing. Writers can't get real jobs because they spill things and get lost in technical applications and tend to lose focus and start daydreaming about things. Critics are the people who are bad at being bad at things. They're the ones who watch a film major's on-screen-mind-masturbation and think, "Wow, that was deep." They're the ones who think a 3 hour movie about a guy stuck on an island is a moving exploration. They think a guy standing at a crossroads is symbolic of standing at a crossroads. [bleep!] critics.

I like the movies that people who are paid to watch movies hate.